The Community Magical Chronicles
by GoodKing0
Summary: Yet another Harry Potter/Community crossover. (Collection of ONE-SHOTS, all related to each other. J/A, as always. WARNING: This isn't simply an Harry Potter/Community mash up. THIS IS A CRACK FIC! You know what that means? It means making fun of Tropes typical of HP Fics. Like Britta the Death Eater. Or Dark! Harem! Abed. Or Peggy Sue plots. Deal with it.)
1. S S Prudence & Potions

**A N: I'm someone who doesn't own Community. Or Harry Potter.**

**A N 2: And yet another Multi-Chapter Fic. Why, you might ask? Because I'm a masochist, that's why.**

**A N 3: You will soon guess who's who I hope. Ask if you don't.**

**A N 4: ROWLING SAID THAT H/Hr SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENDGAME! THE SHIPPERS WERE RIGHT, THE WORLD IS BLOODY ENDING! RUN FOR THE ESCAPE PODS!**

It was their first year at Greendale Community College of Witchcraft and Wizardry as Britta, Troy and Abed entered their first lesson.

"Ugh, the lessons had begun too early today…" Britta complained, dark shades covering her eyes, as she slumped herself into a chair, Abed and Troy sitting near her, "… Let's hope this doesn't become a recurring thing."

Abed said nothing as he inspected the class.

In addition to him and his two new friends, few students were already in there.

On the front row was sitting a youngish looking girl with straight, brown hairs, notebooks and purple gel pens neatly arranged in front of her as she was already scribbling something. He couldn't see the badge on her robes but, by what he could deduce from her attitude so early in the morning, he thought that she could be nothing but a Ravenclaw.

Which was impossible, being Gryffindor and Slytherin the only two houses that Greendale could afford to have after all those lawsuits with that English boarding school.

Behind them were sitting two fellow Gryffindors, a black, middle aged woman with curly hairs and another black boy with dreadlocks.

Two old men were sitting behind them.

There weren't other students in the small classroom.

"It doesn't seem weird that there are so few students here?" Troy said, looking around.

"They're all probably still digesting last night feast…" She groaned, "… thing that we should do too."

The woman on the front row scoffed.

Britta glared at her from under her glasses.

"What's wrong, River Song?"

Abed and Troy stiffened at the mention of a character from the hated rip-off.

"Nothing…" She said with a bitter tone, "… I'm just silently expressing my frustration over one of my fellow students' lack of interest on her academic life."

Abed blinked. "_Definitely a Ravenclaw_"

"Well, I'm sorry about that…" Britta said with her most unapologetic voice, "… But you don't have nothing to say about my education, missy."

The woman gasped, turning to Britta, revealing her green badge, "Excuse me if I was concerned about the nefarious influence you could unleash on our mutual friend!" She snapped, gesturing to Troy.

He looked at her, confused, "Do I know you…?"

A look of hurt briefly flickered on her features, too fast for anyone to notice.

"I'm Annie, Annie Edison. We used to go to school together…"

He still looked confused.

She sighed, "Everyone is a robot..."

Realization hit him, "Oh, yeah, you were that girl who had that nervous breakdown in my old high school and turned that guy into a newt! You're Annie Adderall!"

Britta sneered, "See who's talking about bad influences…"

Annie gasped, "For your information, the only reason I took those pills was to rationalize the weird events that had began to happen to me after the awakening of my magic powers…"

"I was talking about your house…" She interrupted her, nodding her head towards her badge.

She looked down on her robes, "What's wrong with my house?"

"You're a Slytherin…" Abed explained in a detached tone, "… It's an house usually reserved to evil people…"

"… More like Nazi wannabes…" Britta muttered.

Annie gasped again, "Alright, first off, you cannot call me Nazi, I'm Jewish!" She indignantly said, "Second, Slytherin is not an evil house! Is an ancient and noble house who accepts only the most talented and most ambitious students that are…"

"Sorry, sweetie, not to intrude in your conversation…" The black woman on the back of the class said, leaning towards them, "… But if I remember well, the last two Dark Lords were from Slytherin…"

"Yes, and they were also British, but that doesn't mean that they're all evil…" Annie said with an haughty tone, returning to her purple pens.

"I don't know…" Troy chimed in, "… Those two British teachers yesterday at the feast kind of crept me out."

The door opened as a tall man with impeccably combed bed hair entered the classroom.

He flickered his wand as he slumped himself on the teacher chair.

The chalk beside him began to write on the blackboard.

"I'm Professor Winger…" He began as the chalk wrote his name on the middle of the blackboard, underlining it, "… And I will be your Defense against the Dark Arts professor for this year and, unfortunately, for many to come…"

"But I believed that the position as the DADA professor was cursed by…" Britta began whispering to Abed.

"I heard that too…" Professor Winger abruptly said, startling Britta, "… But apparently, after the last Dark Lord's defeat, the curse kind of vanished…" He made an hedgy laugh, "… which means that I am now stuck in this place as the head of the most hated house on the entire planet…"

She sighed, his brow frowned, his eyes closed, as he pinched his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

Troy was about to say something.

The professor raised an hand, "No, no, I'm fine…" He sighed, "… So, have any of you already opened our textbook?"

The various Gryffindors tried to nonchalantly look around.

Annie raised her hand.

"Yes, miss…" Professor Winger trailed off, a bit cheered by the presence of another Slytherin to endure his pain.

"Edison, Annie Edison…" She said with a proud tone, "… And I've learned our Defense Against the Dark Arts' book by heart before coming here…"

"Egghead…" Britta whispered into Troy's hear.

"Oh really?" Professor Winger asked challengingly, opening his book, "Tell me… the best way to protect yourself against a Boggart…"

"Jinx it with the Riddikulus spell while thinking funny thoughts." She steadily answered.

"That was easy, now…" He opened a page at random, "… What's the other magical creature outside a Dementor that can be repelled by the Patronus charm?"

"The… The Lethifold?" She stammered a bit.

He gave her an encouraging smirk.

"Right. Now, summarize page..." He opened his book on another random page, "… 394."

She stared at him, her gaze unfocused as the Gryffindors began snickering behind her.

He sighed, "Look, it's not important if you don't…"

"It's the beginning of the chapter about werewolves…" She said, her brow frowned, "… The one with the big photo of the Vitruvian Man with a Werewolf instead of the man…"

He looked impressed.

"Amazing preparation work, Miss Edison…" Professor Winger said, impressed.

"Thank you…" Annie said, faintly blushing.

"Teacher's pet…" Britta muttered under her breath.

Annie bitted back the instinct to stick out her tongue at her.

"However…" Professor Winger began saying before doing a dramatic pause, "… This will not be of any help in my class…"

"W-what?" Annie asked, slightly shocked by the man's revelation.

"Those books…" He said, gesturing to his open textbook, "… Are utter garbage. There is no need to learn how to defend yourself against a Lethifold, living them only in Tropical Regions, or to fight off Grindylows, findable only in lakes of some third world countries like Yorkshire…"

Annie saddened, casting her eyes down.

"However…" Professor Winger continued after a small pause, moved by his student's mood, "… 50 points will be given to Slytherin for the amazing inteligence displayed by one of his pupils…"

The Gryffindors groaned, some of them throwing bits of crumpled paper against Annie, a small smile on her lips.

"And 10 points will be taken from Gryffindors for each of his asinine students in this class…"

They groaned more loudly.

"Hey, I'm just compensating for the blatant favoritism your house will receive for the other professors, get used to it!" He said, is hands up in a defensive manner.

The class calmed as Britta began mumbling something about "Abuses of power" and "My anarchist group will hear about this!"

The black man with Dreadlocks raised his hand.

"Yes, Mister…" The Professor trailed off, staring at the glass-wearing man.

"… Dude, he's Lee Jordan. He's our Quidditch Commentator. He's a legend, how can you not know him?" Troy asked, shocked.

Professor Winger glared at him.

"Ehm, I mean… Professor…" Troy began stammering before being stopped by Professor Winger raising an hand in the air.

"And that's another 5 points that goes down for Gryffindor."

Britta gasped, "Oh, come' on, you cannot keep doing that! As students, we got the right to…"

Professor Winger's hand slammed on the desk, "Don't come here talking about rights to me! I was a lawyer before…" Collective groan of the class, seemingly unnoticed by the Professor, "… That idiot of our headmaster had the great idea to hire me in this stinking school without even contact me first just because he had deemed myself to be the "most valuable ally in his constant war for The Greater Good"!" He yelled, air quoting the last part.

"Then why don't you leave…?" Abed asked in a monotone tone.

"Why don't I leave…!?" Jeff snapped, looking up at him, "… Because I can't! This job constitutes a binding, magical contract that doesn't permit me to resign it! Which means that I can only be fired now!"

Realization hit him.

"I can only be fired…" Professor Winger repeated, rising from his chair and taking a covered cage from under his desk, a smirk on his face "… Alright, who wants to practice some magic on a cage of drunken Cornish Pixies?" He asked with a jovial-yet-wicked tone.

Annie raised her hand.

"Yes, Edison…?" He asked with a cheerful tone.

"Why do you have a cage of drunken Cornish Pixies under your desk, Professor?" Annie asked, alarmed by the man sudden behavior.

"Nearly caught drunken Cornish Pixies…" He said, amused by his students' sudden fear, "… Oh, come' on, don't be the buzz-kills of the situation. It will be fun…"

"Yaaayyyyy." His students cheered without enthusiasm.

He gave the cage some violent shakes.

"Crivens!" Some of the pixies in the still covered cage shouted angrily.

He freed them on the class, watching with dark glee as they began wrestling with his students.

"… Now, let's see if this will not spoil your idiotic plan, Dumble-Dean…"

* * *

"That was awful…" Britta groaned, holding an ice bag on her head while sitting on one of the chairs in the school infirmary's waiting room.

"Indeed…" Abed agreed with a dark, emotionless tone, "… Even if I must admit that, after the fourth headbutt received by those Scottish Smurfs, I begin to see things more…" He liked his lips while staring at Britta, "… _clearly_."

Britta began to uncomfortably shift on her sit.

"Thank God that Annie was there to save us…" Troy said with a relieved tone as Annie was being visited by Nurse Jackie on the other side of the door, "… That freezing charm was pretty handy."

Britta scoffed, "Oh, come' on, it was all an elaborate move of that cow and that jerk of the professor to make Slytherin look good …"

"I don't know…" The black woman from their class chimed in, "… She did seem as terrified as we were."

Britta scoffed, "We're Gryffindor, Shirley, and we're never terrified."

"Well, you seemed pretty scared when those things had begun to pull your hair…" Troy said, furrowing his brows.

Britta grunted, "That poor thing was afraid than us for what it was happening, especially after that egghead had began freezing them. She is clearly…"

"… An idiot which sole, pathetic porpoise in life is the one to please much older man with her limited and unfertile mind and that, as I suspect and therefore foreshadow, once she will understand that she will not gin anything in life with those methods, she will begin to sexually please them, probably ending in a sleazy, English strip-club to do a Centaur show every Wednesday, as the Jim Belushi she is." Abed interrupted her with a detached tone.

His companions stared at him in horror.

"Sorry, did I say it out loud?" Abed asked, confused, "I thought I had this "Dark Side" thing under control…"

Annie opened the door of the infirmary, running past them, tears on her eyes.

"I think she heard you…" Troy said with a guilty tone.

* * *

It was launch time on Greendale Cafeteria, and students were joyfully eating from their tables.

Professor Winger stared somberly at his plate.

"Now, Jeffrey, what you did in this morning class was very disloyal for you…" Dumble-Dean, a purple robbed man with a bald head and a long, white beard, said from his sit next to him.

Professor Winger smiled.

"… But I understand that you must have done it to improve the academic life of our students, and I forgive you."

He blinked.

"What?" He asked, shocked, "Dumble-Dean, I've just unleashed one of the most dangerous breed of Pixies in the world on a class filled with first years! You cannot forgive me for that!"

"I believe that everyone deserves a second chance…" Dumble-Dean said, a twinkle in his eyes.

Professor Winger stared at him in astonishment, "Look, Headmaster, I know that you need me for your masterplan and shit, but I've actually broke many of the laws that form our idiotically contorted legal system! I at least deserve to be fired…"

"Oh, come' on, Jeffrey…" the Dumble-Dean said, giving a small pat on his abs, "… You know that our most important rule here is "No harm, no foul". Wasn't that how you managed to discharge those two English twins after they had trapped their brother in that pyramid…?"

He sighed, thinking back at the good old days.

"Yes, Headmaster…"

"… This means that the only way for you to actually being fired by here is only to kill a member of one of the Pure Blood Families…" Dumble-Dean continued, the twinkle still in his eyes "… And you know what happens to people who do those kinds of things…"

"Yeah…" He said with a grave tone, "… Azkaban."

He shivered, thinking of the hellish warden of that putrid prison, and at the massive quantity of rotten memories they could awaken in him.

"_Yeah, thinking about it, this place is not that bad after all…_"

"TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS!" Professor Chang screamed, entering the Cafeteria.

He stopped abruptly in the middle of the room, looking sick.

"Thought you ought to know…"

He fainted, crumpling on the floor.

The students stared amusingly at him before beginning to take pictures with their phones.

Dumble-Dean panicked, "OH GOD, NOT AGAIN! WHAT WE GONA DO NOW? WHAT WE GONA DO NOW?!"

Professor Winger rolled his eyes.

"_And that's the Chessmaster who control our lives, ladies and gentlemen…_"

"Dumble-Dean…" He whispered to him with an urgent tone, "… Maybe it would be wise for the students to return to their dormitories…"

"Yes, yes of course, Jeffrey…" The man began, his hands instinctively going to Professor Winger's abs.

"As for now, Dumble-Dean…" He repeated with a more authoritative tone.

"Yes…" The Dumble-Dean said, rising from his sit, "… Attention, students…"

Nobody gave a damn about the bald, nightgown wearing man.

Professor Winger coughed. It wasn't an imposing cough, or even a loud cough. He just coughed.

The cafeteria fell silent.

"Good…" The Dumble-Dean said with a cheerful tone, "… Now, we have a bit of an emergency here, so, if you would all please return to your dormitories and…"

The students groaned as some muffins were thrown at the man.

"Alright, Leonard, I saw you doing that!" The Dumble-Dean yelled at the old, snickering man from the front row.

"Dumble-Dean…" Professor Winger said, his hand touching Dumble-Dean's arm.

"Yes, yes…" He said, desperately trying not to faint for the man's touch, "… I was saying, your House-Heads will now accompany you to your dormitories, making sure none of you will be endangered by our… small problem…"

The students groaned again, this time with a lower voice, as the big Gryffindor group gathered itself around Professor Whitman.

Jeff sighed as he began to count the few students from his house gathered around him.

"Alright boys, first you return to the dormitories first you return to your hypercaloric dinner, now…"

One was missing.

"_Crap!_"

"… Where's Edison?"

* * *

Gary the Troll stumbled through the empty hallways of the school.

He didn't know what to do.

He didn't know who had sent him there.

He didn't even know who he was.

He just knew he needed to use the damn bathroom.

He entered the nearest door, uncaring for the signs fixed on it.

He heard weeping.

He looked around, confused.

He roared a question.

The weeping suddenly stopped.

His confusion grew as he approached one of the doors inside, short, terrified breaths coming from behind it.

He slammed it open.

He saw a bright, green light.

And that's the end of the story of "Gary the Troll and the Day He Transferred to Hell."

* * *

Professor Winger entered the girls' bathroom, suddenly feeling like a dirty old man.

The first thing he saw was the massive troll body lying lifeless on the floor.

The second thing he saw was the trembling, panicked teenager crumbled near it, her legs in her arms.

"Hey, hey…" He said as he carefully approached her, "… It's all right."

"All. Right…?" She asked, tears still falling from her eyes, "I've just kill someone, Professor. It's not. All. Right."

The lights in the room flickered for the emotional magic.

He winced.

"_That's why you should never provide Teenagers with things that can maim people by the use of some fake Latin._"

"I'm screwed…" She muttered, her voice broken, "… This school was my last chance for a normal life. And I've ruined it…"

He kept approaching her.

"… My mother was right, I'm just a stupid half-blood unworthy of our family name. They will now send me to Azkaban, to prove to the world how much of a failure I am…"

"Wait…" Professor Winger began to say, trying to divert her mind from the prospect of going to Azkaban, "… You're an Half-Blood… And you still choose to become a Slytherin…?"

She gave an edgy laugh, "… Like it does matter now."

He gently took away her wand from her grasp, kneeling besides her "… You're not going to go to Azkaban, I assure you…"

She looked up at him, her big, blue eyes filled with tears "B-but, how… I've just killed a…"

"A troll…" He said with a reassuring tone, "… A specie that, in our backward society, doesn't even have the right to exist. Not even the English Wizengamot would condemn you for that."

"I've still killed him…" She sobbed.

He gave her an encouraging smile, "… And I know you didn't do it on purpose."

Through Legilimency, he could clearly hear her still panicked thoughts, hidden by her damped doe eyes.

He sighed.

"_Things I do for crying women…_"

"Look, few people know this…" He said with a conspiratorial tone, leaning towards her, "… But I do actually have some office hours on my schedule. You could drop by my office if you want to discuss about it…"

Her thoughts began to calm.

"Okay…" She said with a small tone.

"Great!" He said, his hands loudly slapping his knees, "Now, let's go…"

He rose from the ground, outstretching his arm towards hers.

"Where are we going…?" She asked, confused, as she linked her arm with his.

"Well, Edison…" He said with a cheerful tone, "… We're off to see the Headmaster!"

She grimaced.

"What?" He asked, a bit offended by the girl's lack of excitement, "… That joke is a classic."

"If you say so, Professor." She said with a condescending tone.

He grunted, almost pouting.

She sighed, "Fine, but now that you've said it, we must do the full song."

This was his turn to frown.

"I wasn't planning to sing…"

She innocently flapped her eyes at him, "Please, Professor, it would make me very happy…"

"_Damn!_"

He deeply sighed, "Fine…"

She beamed at him.

And they went on their merry way, their arms linked, singing while skipping, the rotting corpse of the Troll still in the bathroom.

Plague Rats began to emerge from the sinks, starting to devour the flesh of the corpse, as they usually do when a corpse is around at Greendale.

Which happens more often than one might think.


	2. Dark Lord Potter Part 1

**A N: I am The-One-Who-Doesn't-Own-Community-And-The-Harry-Potter-Franchise. Believe me, it's insanely difficult to keep it all on the bloody Villain Card I usually carry around for no apparent reason.**

**A N 2: Do you want to read far better HP Crack-Fics? "Thinking in little green boxes", "Oh God not again!" and "When in doubt, Obliviate". Enough said.**

It was launch time in Greendale Cafeteria and the golden trio was all eating their respective launches on a table on a corner of the room.

Shirley were eating near them too, but Abed considered her more of a recurring character than one of the main cast.

They kind of became friends with her, since nothing bond four people together like being savagely beaten up by a cage of drunken Nearly-Caught-Cornish-Pixies who actually were Scottish.

Abed carefully watched his friends drinking.

Shirley took a small sip from her soda.

Britta took a large sip from her Butterbeer fixed with Firewhiskey.

Troy took a sip from his Butterbeer.

Troy and Shirley both took a sip from their drink.

Britta finished her drink, taking another one.

Troy and Britta both took a sip from their drinks.

The three of them took a sip at the same time.

"I was thinking about starting an evil cult and take over our problem ridden country. Who's with me?"

Troy, Britta and Shirley spit-took their drinks.

Abed smiled to himself.

"_Totally worth the wait._"

Troy gaped at him, "I'm sorry, Abed?"

"Because, now that I've finally accepted my dark side and my destiny as the next Dark Lord…"

"Those headbutts must have caused some severe trauma…" Britta side-whispered to Shirley, who hummed in agreement.

"… It's time for us to become a terroristic force of doom and solve the world's problems like hunger, poverty and overpopulation."

"Abed…" Troy began with a concerned tone, "… You aren't suggesting to… Take over the world, aren't you?"

"OF COURSE!" Abed yelled with a slightly exalted tone.

His three friends stared at him in silence.

"Alright, Abed, who sold you the drugs and where I can find him?!" Britta urgently asked.

"No drugs were involved in the discovery of my evil side, Britta…" Abed said with his usual detached tone.

"Oh, pumpkin, you're a Gryffindor, you cannot be evil…" Shirley condescendingly cooed.

"Yeah…" Troy chimed in, "… Gryffindors are good and cool and awesome, like Tonks!"

"Troy, Tonks was an Hufflepuff…" Abed explained with a slow tone.

"Thank you for crushing my dreams, Abed…" Troy said, biting his fist, trying not to cry.

"What the hell is an Hufflepuff!?" An old man from the other side of the room yelled, as he could hear them.

They ignored him.

"… Also, that English guy who betrayed his friends was a Gryffindor…" Abed stated in his mater-of-factly way.

"Oh, but he doesn't count…" Shirley unsurely said.

"Yeah…" Britta chimed in to back up her friend, "… Also, he was more a "Morally Ambiguous" kind of a guy…"

"This means that Abed is not evil…?" Troy checked.

Abed pondered the situation.

"We can say that you cannot be a Gryffindor AND a Card-Carrying-Villain"

Troy gave a sigh of relief.

"So, who's with me in joining the dark side?" Abed asked again.

His three friends fidgeted in their sits.

Abed sighed, "There will be cookies..."

Troy squealed, "I'm in!"

Britta gave him a look, "Why to sell yourself, Troy…"

"There will also be the possibility to rage against the machine…"

"I'm in!" Britta eagerly yelled.

Shirley gave her friends a judging look.

She sighed, "I guess I'm in too…"

"But…" Troy began, insecurity creeping in, "We're not evil by doing this, right?"

"No, Troy, We're "Morally Ambiguous". Like Wormtail!" Britta explained with a slow tone.

Abed stared at her.

The world suddenly takes a very dark coloring for Britta as she could practically hear the air vibrating around her.

"What the…?"

"Yeah, keep repeating yourself that the day you will rape your good counterpart from an alternative dimension just to please some nerds at a porn battle, Britta." Abed said with 5 different voices, one creepier and deeper than the other.

Britta covered herself in fear, her eyes shut.

"Brit-ta, what's wrong?" Shirley asked with a worried tone.

Britta opened her eyes.

The world was normal again.

"Didn't… Didn't you notice that?" Britta asked, confused.

"Notice what?" Troy asked, confused.

She winced.

"N-nothing…"

Abed wickedly smiled to himself.

"Cool…" He said with his usual detached tone, "… So, as the first meeting of the Syndicate of Magical Crime, I, as the self appointed leader, will propose my plan to take over the world."

They expectantly looked at him.

"First off, how many of you are familiar with the comic book series _ROM Spaceknight_?" He asked with a serious tone.

They gave him a puzzled look.

He sighed.

"Let's just say that my plan of world domination is basically stolen from ROM's main villain, Hybrid."

He made a dramatic pause.

Their looks became more puzzled.

"Which is…?" Britta prompted him.

"He wanted to mate with all the female mutants alive to create an army of superior offsprings with which he would have then conquered the world. The only difference with my plan and his is that, instead of mutants, I will mate with most of the witches of this school." He answered with a calm tone.

His three friends gaped at him.

He stared at them.

"What?"

* * *

"An Harem!" Britta asked, outraged, while pacing in the two men's room back in the Gryffindor dormitories, "Your great plan is to build your personal Harem?!"

"It's a great plan…" Abed defended himself, not understanding his friend's outburst.

"Damn right!" Troy said from near his friend before doing their handshake.

Britta glared at him, "Troy, stop encouraging his misogynistic behavior!"

Shirley hummed in agreement, "It also goes against all my Christian believes…"

"Shirley, you weren't included in my plan of mass reproduction…" Abed tried to reassure her.

Shirley tried to hide a disappointed look.

"But I was?!" Britta indignantly yelled.

"Bet you would like it." The five distorted Abed's voices mocked her from the back of her mind.

She tried to ignore them.

"Yes, Britta, in fact, you were. There are problems with that?"

Britta gaped at him, at loss for words.

"I… You… We… Us…" She groaned in frustration, storming out of the room.

Shirley followed shortly after.

"So…" Troy began after some time, "… Do you need any help, you know, with the whole… Mating process…"

Abed stared at him.

"Don't worry, Troy, you're my Sidekick/Dragoon. You will obviously get Britta…"

Troy sighed in relief.

"… Of course, if my mind raping will actually turn her in my first mistress instead of a raving lunatic ready to torture to insanity the parents of a 15 month old boy with the help of that guy from the hated rip-off…"

Troy began nodding sagely before the meanings of Abed's words hit him.

"WAIT, WHAT?!"

Abed blinked at him.

"I should probably let someone check this Broken Inner Monologue thing."

He raised his wand, aiming it at Troy.

"Obliviate."

And Troy forgot the last 4 minutes of his life.


	3. Day of Classes

**A N: I don't own Community. Or HP. Thinking about it, I believe that Ginny "owns" HP. If you know what I mean.**

**A N 2: Chapter 1 Title was the name of the Snape/Hermione's Ship. It would have been that, or S.S. Wotcher Wolvie. I preferred the former.**

**A N 3: Do you remember the movie's school uniforms? The ones with Shirt, shrunken robe/sweater-when-cold, color-coded tie and knee-high skirt/pants? Yeah, imagine them in it. Why? Because the normal robes from the books doesn't show cleavage, that's way.**

**A N 4: And what better way to celebrate love if not talking about Date Rape Magical Drugs?! Especially given next episode's plot! Yay, I'm an horrible person!**

**A N 5: That's a lot of fish and A Ns. However, last chapter didn't contain any J/A because it was set during the Troll attack on Chapter 1. I should have mentioned that, sorry.**

"Hello, I'm Professor Ian Duncan, and I will be your Potion Professor during all of your Greendale Experience." Professor Duncan said at the beginning of his first lesson with the first years.

"Now, raise your hand if you're a Slytherin." He said, inspecting his class from under his thick glasses.

Annie raised her hand.

"And those are five points down for Slytherin…" Duncan said with a cheerful tone.

Annie gasped, "Why?!"

"Because you exist, boobs…" Duncan remarked, winking at her.

She tried to cover her chest with her robe.

Britta grinned at her classmate's misfortune.

"Hypocrite! Hypocrite! Hypocrite…!" Abed's distorted voices began chanting in the back of Britta's head.

She fought a groan near to escaping from her lips.

"Now…" Duncan continued with his lesson, "… We will all…"

Troy raised an hand.

Duncan sighed, "Yes, Mister…?"

"Barnes, Troy Barnes…" Troy answered with a cautious tone, "… And, Ehm, I couldn't help not notice that, you, professor, are…" He tried to shrink in his sit, "… British."

Duncan glared at him.

Troy made an high pitched whimper.

"It is correct, Mr. Barnes, 25 points to Gryffindor for one of his student's courage and cleverness."

Troy made a proud smile as Annie looked scandalized.

"Now, any other questions before I can start my…" Duncan stopped when a forest of raised hands had grown in his class.

He groaned loudly.

"Yes, I'm British, no, I'm not a Dark Lord, my name is not Tim the enchanter and I don't weight like a duck!" Duncan yelled in exasperation.

Most of the hands went down.

He glared at the hands still up, "And I swear that if any of those bloody hands are up only to make some bloody jokes about the fact that my bloody father is also my bloody uncle, I will personally draw you to a werewolf lair and set him to maul you until you reach a bloody pulp!"

All the hands went down.

He smiled, "Good, 100 points to Gryffindor for their fantastic sense of humor…"

The Gryffindors cheered.

Annie slumped in her sit.

"Great and now, for our first lesson…" He cheerfully said, uncovering a cauldron, "… "Love potions, how to brew them and how to make them slip in your date's drink." You there, Blonde Boobs, came here. We need an… "Horal demonstration" of the final product…"

* * *

"Hello, I'm Professor Cornwallis, and today we will begin our 666 parts course on the everlasting, ever-interesting topic of… The Goblin Rebellions."

The students groaned loudly.

The Ghost Professor couldn't care less.

"Chapter 1. _It was a cold and stormy night, and King Slaughterrier the Depressing was moodily staring at the fire…_"

* * *

"Hello, I'm Professor Kane, and I will be your Herbology teacher. Today's class: "A study on the Giant Flytrap""

"HELP!" Britta desperately screamed as she was clenched in the jaws of the Flytrap.

The professor stared at her, amused.

"That plant must hate you, girl, they usually never attack humans."

"MY PLANTS-RIGHTS GROUP WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!" She yelled as Troy and Abed were trying to open the mouth of the Flytrap.

* * *

"Hello, I'm Professor Whitman, head of Gryffindor house and your professor of Muggle Studies" Professor Whitman overenthusiastically announced to the class.

Annie raised an hand.

"Yes, you there, soon-to-be-Dark-Lady?" Whitman said pointing at Annie, his tone avoid of mocking or judgment.

Annie mood saddened.

"It's just... We don't already know everything about Muggle's society…?" She asked with an uncertain tone.

Whitman beamed at her, "Of course not, silly girl, we still have to discover one of their biggest secret!"

"Which is?" Troy asked, curious.

"What's the purpose of… The rubber duck!" Whitman bellowed, his tone serious even as he dramatically raised an hand in the air.

Annie and Abed, one an half-blood, the other a Muggleborn, both facepalmed at the same time.

The other students looked fascinated.

* * *

"Hello, I'm Professor Slater, and I will teach you transfiguration."

He put a rat on her desk.

"I will now turn this rat…" She silently moved her wand, "… Into a filled teacup!"

The rat turned in a teacup filled with water.

"Now, this spell is, clearly, statistically useless, but…" She began explaining, tacking the transfigured cup in her hands.

Britta tried to silently move her wand as Slater did.

A yellow bolt departed from it, hitting the cup and smashing it.

Water spilled over Slater's body.

"NO!" She screamed in agony as she began to liquefy, "I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! I'M…"

And of Michelle Slater was left only a vague memory.

And a pool of body fluids on the floor.

"Ops…"

* * *

"Welcome back to Defense Against the Dark Arts…" Professor Winger said with a bored tone, without even glancing up from his phone, "… On today's class, I will teach you how to defend yourself against a far greater evil than the Black Beast of Argh…" He briefly glanced up at them, "… A drunken Ian Duncan."

His students gave each other weird glances.

"Now, first thing, never approach a drunken Ian Duncan if you're a woman…" He said, standing up, "… Chance is, he will probably Imperius you, rape you and then Obliviate you…"

The women in the class looked disgusted and terrified.

"We should approach him soon, Britta, I bet It would be fun!" Abed's distorted voice cheerfully reminded Britta of their presence.

"… This could happen also if you're an average-looking male. Or Chang, our useless caretaker because, seriously, when you have magic, what's the purpose of someone cleaning the floor manually?"

Troy looked horrified at the prospect of But-Stuff. Or at least at the prospect of unremembered But-Stuff.

"But worry not…" He said, smirking, "… All you need to defend yourself against him or anything else are _only _the three spells that you will repeat ad nauseam. Stupeficium, possibly aimed at his balls, Expelliarmus, possibly aimed at his wands or, if you feel vengeful, at his dick, and, most important of all, Expecto Patronum, used both to scare him in his drunken haze and to call for help…"

He smirked at them.

"And now, because I seriously couldn't care less, we will all do the all-famed Boggart Lesson!"

His students groaned loudly.

"Why doing it now, you ask?" He said with a mocking tone, "… Screw you, that's why!"

* * *

His Masterplan was working!

"Soon, the world will be united under no genders, no races, and no religions!" The Dumble-Dean triumphantly yelled.

"All for the Greater Good!" He yelled again, eating a lemon drop.

The drugs inside it calmed instantly his mood.

"… For the Greater Good…" He whispered, dozing into sleep.

The Genderless Sorting Hat shook his head in disappointment.

"_And with that, we reach a new low…_"


	4. Dark Lord Potter Part 2

**A N: ALL HAIL JKR AND DAN HARMON, OWNERS OF COMMUNITY AND HP! MAY THEY HAVE MERCY OF OUR TWISTED SOULS!**

**A N 2: And so it will be for the next chapters: J/A, Plot, Filler, rinse, and repeat. Till the end of this thing. Amen.**

**A N 3: Also known as "Abed Nadir and the Chamber of Secrets, Part 1"**

Troy ran inside his room, screaming in joy.

"ABED! I'VE DEFEATED A TROLL BY THROWING A GIANT…" he slowed down, looking around, puzzled.

"_Something isn't right…_"

A black panther came out from the shadows, rubbing his head on his legs.

"But what a good kitty…" Troy said, absentmindedly stroking its head.

He hastily retired his hand, jumping away from it.

"ABED, WHY THERE'S A PANTHER IN OUR ROOM?!" He gave another look around, "AND WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR ROOM?!"

The room was now windowless, the only light coming out from the glow of the torches chained to the walls, now made of stone.

Empty cages were hanging down from the ceiling, some musical instruments abandoned on a side of the room.

A black throne made of stone swords was standing on the far end of the now bigger room, Abed sitting on it, his chin resting on his fist, his elbow resting on his leg, a red carpet coming from the entrance of the room toward the throne.

Except for that, the room was bare.

"I was bored…" Abed answered, his chin still on his fist.

Troy quickly walked towards Abed.

"And so you take a panther? Without asking me first?!" He asked in a whisper, trying to not be heard by the panther.

Who gave him a confused look.

"I wanted an evil pet, but I was afraid that you would have gotten jealous, so I've bought it for you…" Abed explained him with his usual detached tone.

"Well, that doesn't permit you to…" Troy stopped.

His face lit up like a child at Christmas.

And then he began squealing.

"YOU MEAN THAT THE PANTHER IS MINE?!"

"Yes…" Abed assured him.

Troy turned toward it with a large smile.

He began jumping on the spot for the joy.

"… AND I WILL CALL IT CAPTAIN CLAW AND WE WILL EAT TOGHETER AND SLEEP TOGHETER AND DO BUTT-STUFF TOGHETER AND FIGHT CRIME TOGHETER AND…"

Abed grinned at his friend's joy.

And somewhere in the world, a puppy just died for that.

* * *

"Excuse me…" Annie began announcing in the Greendale Library, "… Has someone lost this diary?"

She was holding a black, leather-covered book with no title.

It looked old.

Nobody answered her.

Annie huffed, "Well, if no one wants you, I guess I can use you for notes…"

She sat on a table, opening it and starting to write in it with her purple gel pen.

* * *

ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE! THE CHAMBER HAS BEEN OPENED!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Abed, Troy and Britta skeptically eyed the blood written writings on the wall outside of the girls' room.

"Has he really written an evil laugh?" Troy asked, absent mindedly stroking C. Claw head.

"Classy…" Abed commented as he scratched behind the ear of his phoenix, its claws nailed on his right shoulder.

He had called him Jack Harkness.

"I wonder who he could be…." Britta wondered aloud, giving Abed a suspicious look.

Abed gave her a "Who, me?" look.

Britta grunted.

"Hello, Britta, remember us, your Friendly Neighborhood Mindraping Voices? Yes? Just checking…" Abed's distorted voices said from the back of her head.

She fought the impulse to bang her forehead against a wall.

"_Speaking of foreheads…_"

"What the devil is going on here?!" Professor Winger thundered, Professor Duncan and Dumble-Dean by his side.

"Now Jeffrey, you know about our policy in quoting musicals here…" The Dumble-Dean began saying before his gaze landed on the writing on the wall.

He gave a long, high-pitched shriek.

"OH GOD, NOT AGAIN, NOT AFTER LAST TIME! I DON'T WANT TO…" The Dumble-Dean began screaming before being slapped by Professor Winger.

He quickly composed himself.

"Thank you Jeffrey, I needed that." He said to the professor.

""Last time"?" Britta asked, curious, "What "last time"?"

Jeff opened his mouth to say something.

"Nothing, Blonde Boobs…" Duncan quickly interrupted him, "… And 125 points to Gryffindor for their valor in finding it and the best chess match I've seen in ages…" He announced, pointing at the wall.

"Well…" Troy began, embarrassed.

"Actually, I've found it…" Annie said from behind them, her robe covered in blood and feathers.

They began staring at her.

"What?"

* * *

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Dumble-Deans…" Professor Winger said from above one of the tables of the Cafeteria, "… I believe you all know why we're here…"

"It's because of the Plague Rat infestation?" One of the students said from the crowd.

"Hey, that's just a rumor!" Dumble-Dean yelled from the faculty table.

"No, it's because Dumble-Dean…" Dumble-Dean coughed.

Jeff sighed.

"… Super Kami Dumble-Dean, Order of Gandalf, first class, rich playboy and magnanimous Chessmaster of our lives…"

Dumble-Dean made a pleased smile.

"… Believes safe for the students to take self-defense class, so…"

"It isn't what the DADA lessons are for?" Another student said from the crowd.

Jeff rolled his eyes, "No, the DADA lessons, like most of the other classes here, don't really have any actual purpose…"

He heard a scandalized gasp from the crowd.

He smirked to himself.

"Alright, we need two volunteers…"

The crowd made a collective step back, Annie and Britta left outside of it.

"Edison! Perry! Come up here!" He cheerfully ordered.

Annie scrunched her nose in disgust, "Eww, we eat here, you know?"

"Worst thing happened on those tables, trust me…" He said, winking at her.

She rolled her eyes at that.

Annie and Britta climbed on the table.

They faced each other, their faces inches from the other, their wands the only thing separating their bodies.

"SLASH! SLASH! SLASH! WE WANT THE SLASH!" Abed's distorted voices, and some of the members of the crowd too, began chanting.

Annie gasped.

Britta grunted.

"Scared, Edison?" She teased her.

"You wish." Annie said in an haughty tone.

They both simultaneously turned, heading to the two far ends of the table, Duncan as an arbiter on one, Winger on the other.

"Alright, there are no rules in this except, please, don't kill the other girl…" Duncan said from behind Britta, "… It would be such a waste…"

"This will be interesting." Abed said, conjuring two bowls of Pop-Corns and passing one of them to Troy.

The two contenders both deeply bowed, dark thought suddenly springing in the minds of the totality of the male audience in the room.

"SERPENSORTIA!"

"RICTUMSEMPRA!"

They simultaneously yelled as they both rose from their bow almost at the speed of light.

A snake came out of Britta's wand, soon after hit by Annie's bolt.

It began twitching on the table.

"ALARTE ASCENDARE!" Annie yelled, aiming at Britta.

The bolt hit her, making her jump of several feet in the air.

And then making her land on her butt.

"Ouch!" Britta complained loudly, "Ehm… Fakus Latinicus!"

Nothing happened.

Annie gave her a bemused look.

""Fakus Latinicus?""

"What, that wasn't real Latin either!" Britta yelled, rising from the ground.

"At least it worked. ALARTE ASCENDARE!"

Britta jumped again of several feet in the air.

And then landed again on her butt.

Britta groaned, "Stop doing that!"

"Then defend yourself, you… Mean Person!" Annie shouted her.

A girl screamed.

The serpent, unnoticed by anyone, was now headed toward a glasses wearing girl in the front row of the crowd.

Of all the teachers in the room, Jeff was the only one who tried to do something, raising his wand and aiming it at the snake.

A flying bowl of pop-corns hit the snake on the head before he could do anything.

The girl gave the now unconscious serpent a shocked look.

Abed was quickly by her side.

"Are you alright, Miss…"

"R-Rachel…" She stuttered as she gave him an idolizing look.

He gave her a charming smile, "Rachel, have you ever considered the joys of harem building?"

She weakly smiled at him.

"And 200 points to Gryffindor for their alertness in dangerous situations!"

* * *

Professor Duncan raised his head from his desk as he heard a knock at his door, quickly hiding his bottle behind it.

"Come in."

Abed opened the door, "Professor Duncan, I'm here to report a grave fact."

This startled him.

Abed gave him a confused look, "Did you expect someone else?"

He quickly recomposed himself.

"No, no, please sit, Mr. Nadir."

Abed kept staring at him as he entered the room, sitting on one of the chairs in front of the desk.

"So, what did you want to…?"

"I know who has opened the Chamber."

And Professor Duncan was startled again.

"W-what?"

"And I know about your vow on her mother deathbed to protect her unlike you did to her mother because of your deep dislike for her father and yet trying to pretend to hate her while instead you just see your past love in her." Abed explained without even pause to take a breath.

"WHAT?!"

"Your secret is safe with me, Professor Duncan…" He said with a neutral tone.

Duncan gave him an estranged look.

"You've read too much bad novels, kid."

Abed gave him a puzzled look, "But, you didn't sworn on Britta's mother deathbed that…"

"Slow down there, Buddy… Britta's what?!"

"You know, because she has her mother's eyes…"

He gave him another weird look.

Abed rose from his sit, "You cannot resist your feelings for her, Professor! It's just a question of time!"

"Abed, maybe you've got another headbutt while you came here, so I will not make you gain any house points for this. However, I must assure you that I don't have any feelings for Britta! I want to bang her, sure, but seriously… Who doesn't?"

"You cannot escape the power of the OTP!" He yelled again.

"Whatever you say, Abed…" Duncan said, rising from his sit and reaching him, "Now, why don't we go to the infirmary and…"

"No!" Abed yelled, his tone more emotional than usual, "They would close my mind! And I need my mind opened!"

"Now, Abed, as a potion master and a psych, I must tell you that…" He stopped as a book was smashed on the back of his head, making him fall unconscious.

Another Abed stood there, a time turner in his hands.

The two Abeds stared at each other.

"Cool." They both said at the same time.

And then they did their handshake.


End file.
